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Real Talk is where I use real life stories (my own or a client’s with permission) to the blog to illustrate a topic. I’ll try to do it in the least juicy gossipy way when it involves someone else because that isn’t fair & there’s always at least 2 sides to every story.
Show of hands…. who has had friend drama? Ok, I know I can’t technically see your hands but I know there are hands going up.
I have had my fair share of friend drama. I always seemed to attract best friends who didn’t treat me like a best friend. My best friends backed out of plans last minute, weren’t there for me when I needed them, and went through periods where they were super connected with me and then completely ghosted me.
For some reason, as I proudly called these people my best friends, I disregarded my other friends who actually followed through with plans, came to my rescue when I needed help, and always answered the phone (or called back when they could).
In my mid-20s, I found myself with another flaky BFF. Any time we had a deep conversation that brought us closer emotionally, she would then ghost me for several months. She refused to let me see the real her, and any time her guard was dropped, she would immediately build a bigger wall.
The friendship went down in a huge blowout when I confronted her about this and she only wanted to talk about what I had done. I know I had my faults in the relationship (spoiler alert: no one is perfect). She brought those up, but would not take responsibility for her role. We ended the friendship.
In the years following this, I’ve thought about and researched friendships a lot & come up with a few truths that have helped me look at my friendships in a new – and incredibly more fulfilling – way.
- Know what you want in a friendship. Not everyone can be your best friend – and that’s ok. You can only manage 2-3 best friend level relationships anyway. Make sure they are ones that totally feed your soul.
- Your oldest friends are sometimes just that – your oldest friends. You aren’t obligated to call them your best friends anymore if they aren’t truly the best/closest.
- Don’t let hurt feelings or crossed boundaries slide. Look, it’s never easy to confront a friend but if you’re hurt, the friendship is already suffering. Calling it out allows you to heal and in a lot of cases, brings you closer.
- If you’re the friend who is confronted? What I know for sure is that even though getting called on your shit feels terrible, a real friend apologizes and does better, and the friendship deepens.
- Appreciate the people who want to be in your life. Invest in these relationships.
- Make a damn effort. Make use of the reminder alerts on your phone – birthdays, the day of a big interview, the day they have surgery, etc. then reach out. It’s also ok to have a reminder every Sunday to call them. Send them random texts (or flowers!) to let them know you appreciate the friendship and are thinking of them.
The incredibly supportive and mature friendships you crave are possible for you. If you’re struggling with friendships, let me help! I’d love to chat with you and help you figure out how to transform your friendships.